I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
