Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
