i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
