the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
