Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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