She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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