Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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