Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
