Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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