i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize