It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
