If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize