I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
