I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
