The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're a waste of cheezeits
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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