so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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