Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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