sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize