nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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