just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
