he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
