All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
