Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
