The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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