What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
there is puke in my bra ... again
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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