Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
