He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
