To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
