The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
