I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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