I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize