new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
