Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
