o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
