So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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