dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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