You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
