Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
