my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
