dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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