I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
