you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
