Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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