I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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