so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
