I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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