whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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