i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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