I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
