Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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