my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
