Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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