At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
