Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
