I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
