spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
