I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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