Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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